When a marriage breaks down it is always sad for everyone concerned. Apart from the emotions that have to be dealt with there is the division of the assets and liabilities.
In these times of economic uncertainty there may not be much left for each partner to start a new life on their own. All across America homes are being lost as many families are in dire straits due to job losses and tough times. The word FORECLOSURE has become synonymous with the banks as they seize mortgaged properties in an attempt to get their money back.
Imagine if you are a married couple in the thick of this wanting to get divorced. Would you sell your home for less than it was worth and get a quick divorce? Knowing you would probably be left with a mountain of debt and literally nothing to show in the way of assets and cash for the time you were married.
It seems a lot of divorcing couples want to ensure they have a future without debt and the destruction of their credit ratings so they make the choice to stay together while they are sorting through the financial rubble of their marriage. How do they do this without anger and resentment? It would seem that many couples are more interested in leaving their marriage in a tidy fashion than concerning themselves with animosity.
The critics shout loudly that it is not emotionally healthy for a husband and wife to share the same dwelling if they have called the marriage quits. It is fair to say that there has to be a degree of mutual respect for each other's boundaries if this is to work. But I would point out that it is so easy to stand on one side of the fence and show your disapproval if it is not happening to you.
I believe that two consenting adults who make a choice like this are showing the rest of us an incredible amount of maturity and bravery as they both venture into unknown territory without any clear guidelines.
Living together in divorce is by no means a new idea but the recession has definitely brought the concept back to life in the name of necessity.
How many of our older folk do you know who shares the same house but no longer the same bed. Probably quite a few because back in their day marriage was something you took very seriously unlike today where 50% of marriages end in divorce.
I believe that wives can play a huge part in initiating these changes as in today's world they have as much to gain or lose in a messy divorce settlement as their ex husbands. In the past the husband often controlled the finances in the marriage and many women were left penniless when their husband's suddenly announced they wanted a divorce. Not so today as women hold the purse strings just as much as the men do. As women are practical by nature they could see how keeping the family unit together until they could sell off their assets such as their home at an acceptable price would be sensible. If there were children then as a mother she would want to provide a safe and financially supportive haven for them in the future.
Once the decision to live together in divorce has been made by both husband and wife there will be many changes that need to be made.
1. It would pay to have separate bedrooms and if possible living spaces. You are now living separate lives in the same house so keep it simple.
2. A schedule needs to be put in place so husband and wife know what is expected of them on a day to day basis. This would include chores like preparing the family meals and who takes the kids to school each morning.
3. Boundaries need to be set as you are now like roommates so making each other aware what is acceptable in terms of behavior toward each other is essential. Invading each other's personal space and disrespecting their feelings would come under this heading. The irony here is many marriages fail because the husband and wife never understood the concept of having boundaries. They crashed through each other's invisible boundary lines without realizing the damage they were causing. Of course this is not the same as having a controlling or abusive partner whom only has one boundary and that is theirs. This could turn out to be a positive learning experience for both parties who could initiate this strategy in future relationships. I do have a WARNING. If one partner refuses to accept the others boundaries and need for personal space then the living arrangement may not work.
4. So what do you tell your children? If you are both determined to keep things civil between each other then the children may be relieved. Up until you both agreed to divorce family life may have been strained so with the pressure off the children will see mum and dad getting on reasonably well again. If there is any domestic abuse in the house then I recommend the victimized partner leave with the children straight away.
Assuming this is not the case living together during a divorce will generally work. Once again though there will be critics who will tell you it is not good for the children. Some believe that if they are living with their parents who both want the best for them. It has to be better than the physical and emotional scars a child can endure after being exposed to a messy, marriage break up. Staying together as a family could make the grieving process for the children easier as they would be gently eased into the idea that their parents will eventually be divorced but still there for them. I am positive couples who have lived through this arrangement are a lot friendlier with each other after the divorce making it so much nicer for the children as well. There are excellent arguments on both sides but at the end of the day it will be up to the parents to make the decision.
Living together in or during a divorce is a solution to the many problems being faced by families in America and throughout the world. It could well be an answer to the high divorce rates as well. Being placed together in a living arrangement where survival becomes the aim and reason is indicative of what we are capable of as human beings.
